Category: thinking too loud

It’s the perverse, dark satisfaction you feel when you see right through someone’s act – it’s a evil, delicious knowledge, of just knowing that you know this person is acting, and hamming it up. If you could, you’d watch the reactions of those around, to see if anyone is fooled, to nod knowingly at the other people who perceive the fakery. But you can’t, because you can’t look away from the slow motion train wreck you can see unfolding. And you know when the moment comes you’ll laugh and you’ll sigh and say “i told you so,” and then you’ll cackle evilly. Because you’re human, and humans carry grudges, and it’s marvellous to see the begruged spiral themselves out of control.

You want to say more, but can’t without saying too much. Suffice to say, there’s a cynical smirk on your face.

It’s funny how when you find yourself with little to do, you get more agitated than when you have more than enough or too much to do. How it makes you feel guilty to say that “no, I’m not actually that busy at work…”. I suppose in the times when everything is hectic and it feels like there’s nowhere near enough hours in the day, that I’d look on times like these as idyllic paradise(s). But in the middle of it, it’s a different outlook…

To draw a bad analogy, it’s like going on holiday to a tropical resort – from a distance, it all looks marvellous, sunshine and lollipops in more than just the metaphorical sense. But when you’re there, the sun is just a little too hot, the air a little too humid and, ah fudgesticks, you just dropped your lollipop on the hot tar.

I’ll go find something to do now.

… if the stories I’m attracted to, the ones of unrequited, star-crossed love and poignant misunderstandings, shape my view of things somehow, so those stories that bore me, the stories of love requited, of complications sorted, those stories and the aspects that make up their core are somehow ignored; that somewhere in there, I’m really just a sucker for melodrama of the highest order.

Nah, who am I kidding? Oh right, myself.

Random thought: If ‘un’ indicates the opposite, then surely the opposite of ‘understanding’ is ‘derstanding’?

Feel free to ignore this. All of it.

There’s a frustration to his expression. He reaches and reaches for the right words to express the meaning behind his thoughts, but seems the message lost too easily in the endless words he seeks to communicate it. He wonders if there is a language that can accurately express what he wants, why it is that thoughts can’t be said as easily as they can be created. It’s a barrier to finding his place in the world, to finding those who understand him and those he can understand.

He occasionally wonders if he is alone in this, or if the whole world was the same and because of that no-one could realise they weren’t alone.

Fleeting glimpses of stories pass, objects of beauty, poignance and complexity created and destroyed simultaneously in every moment. The ability to capture and express these stories, so that others may glimpse the beat at the heart of the universe. Perception defines reality, not the other way around, and it is the ability to express it that raises one up from the mediocre to the magnificant, from relegated to respected.

If only he could find a way to express but one of the stories, completely and elegantly.

Some of you may have seen this email before; supposedly, it’s got the wisdom of the Dalai Lama in it & what-not, and part of it is organising a list of animals “by your preference”. If you’ve ever been asked a question which is more random or left-field than that, let me know.

The idea is that these animals reflect your priorities in life. Somehow. Let’s go through this list. If you don’t want to be spoilt for when this email pops in your inbox, look away now.

Ok now the freaks are gone, we can get on with things.

• Cow: represents Career. I dunno, cows never represented much to me. Some might consider cows “food”, or perhaps “milk”, or even “environment”, but Career? I’m noticing something with these animals – they’re all from the chinese zodiac (aren’t they? Tiger throws out “common domestic animals”). Maybe this email was written in 3000 BC when cows were pretty integral to careers in ye olde China. Wild guess here.
• Tiger: represents Pride. Hmm, maybe. If you’re a hunter, having a tiger’s head over your hearth is one of those matters of pride, but quite clearly over the years has had an effect on the tigers themselves. And if you’re going to say pride, why not say Lion? King of the jungle et al? Feeds back into that idea of the Chinese zodiac, y’see? Either way, I don’t buy how a tiger is somehow linked to your perception of pride, especially in the era of emails
• Sheep: represents Love. If there was one animal I had to say did not represent love in any way shape or form, sheep would pretty much have to be it. I don’t know about you, but an animal which is reknowned for its uncanny ability to look like all the other animals of its species doesn’t exactly put me the romancing frame of mind. Maybe something in the Chinese zodiac suggests sheep are particularly associated with love & all that, but it’d have to be a bit of a curveball. To say the least.
• Horse: represents Family. See, sheep I might have bought here. Cow, even, what with the whole herds. But Horse? Family? That’s illegal practically everywhere you go, my friend. That Chinese Zodiac has got something to answer for.
• Pig: represents Money. Greed, gluttony, piggy banks… ok, this one I can kinda buy. But since I can’t make a joke about the chinese zodiac here, I’m just going to say: what happend to the other 7 animals?

Next week: my next random email in my inbox! =)

Occasionally, you’ll run into people who look like someone else you know, but it passes in a moment as they turn their head, or you do a double-take and realise they actually look nothing like your friend, you’re just projecting and you probably need to get a tad more sleep.

On the other hand, some days you’ll be sitting on the train/in the park/in a restaurant, and you keep looking at this stranger who’s stolen the face, body, hair, actions, etc., of your friend. (That or it actually is your friend, and they’re ignoring you, and you’re probably not in their definition of a friend.) If you look closely enough though, you’ll realise this evil twin has something subtly different about them, but you can’t shake the feeling…

So far, in the last 3 months, I have spotted evil twins for Fiona (different because she was too grumpy), Fay (too Honky), Chicky (too skinny), Kirsty (too lanky, if you’d believe it :P) and today, Esther (too frumpy). My conclusions are a) I’m spotting the closest female friends I have for some unknown reason, and b) the differences rhyme. sorta. not really.

egads, I really have nothing whatsoever to write about.

If there was ever evidence of the Devil’s hand in the affairs of men, it would be the little white beast which has perverted society to the point where people carry it around with them willingly, its tender white tendrils enwrapping the masses drawn in by the oh-so-innocent promise of joy, even as those around acknowledge how short lived that joy would be. Anything else that makes this many people this anti-social would have been legislated to the nth degree, as concerned parents and civil libertarians alike argued about the harm to society in the long term.

But no, they’re all in it. All tempted by the sweetness, the deceptively simplistic and straightforward appearance, as though it was something that made your life better. Oh no, dear friends, it is an addiction. The very definition of hedonism. Once it has you in its grip, it’ll never let go. Ever. And when you’re deprived, the sweet white drug there but just not quite, you’ll curse and wail and will wow “Never Again!”, even annunciating the capitals. Because that’s how frustrating it is.

But at the end of the day, when you finally make the breakthrough, when everything is on the road to recovery and the metaphorical horizon stretches out in front of you, promising a return to those cherished memories, you’ll take back those words, you’ll laugh at why you were frustrated, and you’ll just cross another one of those nine lives off, wondering if this one will last a month or six; you can never quite be sure, can you? C’est la vie, they say.

Forever young, forever young…
I wanna be forever young
Do you really wanna live forever?
Forever… forever…

Gah! I’ve had this song in my head for nearly 3 days straight now.

Youth is like diamonds in the summer sun
diamonds are forever

so many adventures couldn’t happen today
so many songs we forgot to play
so many dreams swinging out of the blue
left to come true

Not that it’s such a bad song, but it’s just stuck.

note: Song is Forever Young by Youth Group, an Australian band. Make sure you get the latest version, not the one that sounds like it was made in the 70s or 80s. It’s available on The OC Mix 5.