Attn: New People Catching The Train

Dear all new people catching the train,

Yes, I realise that the price of petrol has gone significantly higher, and it’s now much more cost effective to catch the train than sit for an hour in traffic. Welcome to the public transport system, we’re (kinda) glad to have you here – more money in the form of more tickets can only mean good things for all our heavily subsidised public transport. However, as a regular train user, I would be neglectful if I did not bring to your attention a few things… just to keep us all happy. It’s for the good of all, you understand of course.

Ways to make everyone’s journey easier:

• Don’t wait until the last minute to get up and run for the doors.
• Wait for people to get off the train before getting on. The train will wait.
• If someone who knows the timetable is running to make their train, don’t stand in their way.
• Your bag/purse/laptop/newspaper does not deserve a seat. Neither does your umbrella, espcially so if it’s wet. The floor or your lap is perfectly acceptable.
• Reading a broadsheet newspaper in morning peak is a no-no, unless you’re a master of newspaper origami. A master.
• Don’t stand in the stairwell. Don’t stand in the door when people are trying to get out – hop out, hop back in, the train will not leave with you standing just outside the door.

Ways to avoid potentially looking stupid:

• Work out which way the ticket goes into the gate first. No-one in the morning peak will appreciate you trying to work it out at the gate.
• Ladies, the train is not a powder room. Applying lipstick is acceptable, basic facial make-up is borderline. Do not pluck eyebrows, apply mascara, or use a battery-powered curling iron to maintain that hairstyle. It’s really not a good look. Guys… no, don’t do it. If you’re doing to apply any makeup at all, do so in the privacy in your own house.
• Don’t try to change from comfortable clothing into businesswear halfway in. I don’t know what you did in your car, but this isn’t an overnight flight or something.
• Do not eat your breakfast on the train unless it is small and manageable. This means no cereal. Under any circumstances.
• Follow the cue of regular passengers when it comes to picking the door to stand in front of, if you’re in that much of a rush.
• Don’t loudly complain on the phone that you’re “surrounded by people” on the train. Public transport, buddy.
• In fact, just don’t use the phone for anything longer than a 2 minute call. We don’t necessarily want to hear what Louise got up to last night, as saucy and unbelievable as it might be.
• Occasionally though we might. Just not in the morning though. That’s just distracting.
• Remember: left side of the stairs, please.

Simple things here people!