conversations with myself pushing the sky


One week off. I promise myself that, once a year. I don’t know if I’ve already taken it off this year, but it seems like it’s about time for it.

I’m going to deaddictify (real word!) myself from the net, focus back on other things. No blogs, no IM, no… no four hours in front of the computer, because you can’t find something else to do. Distance, Perspective, something else.

Be back next week, probably.

conversations with myself

Mood Swing

Some days you’re up, and then some days you’re down. Thursday and Friday were good days, but I woke up on Saturday morning with my throat hurting and a distinct sense of crap running through my head; Sunday morning bore it out and it appeared that a full-fledged cold had struck.

Now I’m not blaming anyone – it was my own damn fault for forgetting so readily how cold Melbourne actually is at this time of year, and not packing appropriately. But come work this morning, all that postiveness and relaxation I’d aimed for, and even partially achieved, were totally wiped out, negating completely the value of taking a few days off. All I want to do now is take some more days off.

I did however carry away some valuable conversations, and some insights, however brief, into life, the universe, etc. It’s those things that you reflect on later as showing your signs of maturity approaching, of growth on an emotional level instead of merely phsyical. Occasionally, because of all the wonderful people that surround me, I feel wise beyond my years, and I don’t think I thank people enough for sharing their world with me.

It is perhaps appropriate that Monash University’s emblem has the words “Ancora Imparo” on it, because it really does apply, even beyond university – “I am still learning.”

conversations with myself history

The One I Never Told

Honesty exists in the moment. Afterwards, whoever writes the most convincing story determines ‘history’. The word even has ‘story’ in it.

conversations with myself

Unpaused Conversations

It’s funny how, with some people, you can start again right in the middle of a conversation. Once you get the pleasantaries over, it’s back to being right there, where you were in when you left. The intervening time adds nothing but new experiences to discuss, or new perspectives on old prejudices. You nearly forget that there’s been time in between.

And yet with others, it takes an effort. An effort to connect again on the level you’d strived to reach before. You know these are friends, and there’s a reason why you’re making that effort to connect again, but none the less an effort you have to make.

You invariably want more friends of the first type, but you know they’re a rare breed, people you’ll only find a few times in a life time, people you need to cherish, your soul-mates in the sense of friends. But the other type, you need them too. They fill the gaps between the soul-friends, they provide that safety net, in a sense. Even if you have to make the effort, the payoff is there.

The terrible analogy you’ve just come up with is that the first type are like DVDs – you can get right to where you were fairly quickly – while the second type are like old VHS tapes – lots of scanning and effort to find the right place.

You think you’ll end it on this note, and grab some sleep. Tomorrow’s right back to that grindstone.

conversations with myself

Bah Humbug

The old scepter rises again. You’ve had your patience tested and emptied before, but over time it builds up again, and you, in your forgiving nature, forget that it happened before. It’s the easiest way to live – in the moment rather than the past – but it does catch you unawares at times, like now. Easy to let things slip and make the same mistakes again. “Only a fool does the same thing twice and expects a different outcome”, the pertinent saying goes.

You don’t want to deal with it today, not right now. You’ve got work and that should keep you busy enough. But you know it’ll be on your mind all day, unless you force yourself to banish it. But not completely – remember the lesson, and hold it close to your chest this time. The sense of betrayal, of being used & discarded, is too great to suffer again.

It’s a fucking grey day. Wait for that blue sky.

conversations with myself


Random observations that have stacked up:

  • I am really freaking unfit – okay, I know this in the vague sense already, but it hasn’t gotten better really. I played basketball on Sunday with a friend from school (Alan), and I was totally puffed within an hour. I used to be better than this. I need to lift my game.
  • There are a lot more Japanese in Sydney – I didn’t feel this 6 years ago when I lived here, but just wandering down the street in Sydney, chances are I’ll hear a word which catches my ear, and I’ll turn to see Japanese people just chatting away. It’s not just tourists, either.
  • Things go far better in my head – Approaching some of the aforementioned Japanese, in my head, is easy. Actually doing it on the other hand, not so easy. First I’m nervous to the point where my heartbeat rises noticeably – and it’s totally irrational – and when I do start to speak, I falter over words and phrases that should cause me no problems, caused me no problems earlier, and I’ve just rehearsed in my head. Either I’m so far out of practise I’ve lost confidence in myself, or … well, either way, at the moment it looks like I’ve lost that confidence in my Japanese that would let me speak it without feeling embarrased at my mistakes. It’s not just speaking Japanese, but that’s just something that has highlighted it for me.
  • Uni is far more of a comfort zone than you imagine – All that bitching you do about assignments not being specific enough? Yeah, welcome to the real world, where your manager kind of waves in your direction and says “Yeah you can take care of that, right?” and you realise you tuned out of the meeting roughly 5 minutes ago and have been staring out the window at the sun reflecting off the building next door. Uni rocks, dude.
  • Critical skill for working in the city: Judging revolving doors – I’m getting better, but the first couple of days I opted for the disabled bog-standard-door option. Why is it that city buildings must have a revolving door out front? If anyone can answer with something that makes sense, that’s a chocolate bar for ya. Which reminds me…
  • I’d near-instantly fall for a chick that isn’t so neurotic she can’t eat a chocolate bar – I thought this on the train as I saw a chick sitting opposite me – above average, but nothing exceptional – bite into a chocolate bar on the way in to whatever in the morning. I knew instantly she’d have a great personality. Not neurotic! Perfect.
  • Bulleted lists make things look worthwhile – as compared to say just blathering and ranting in no particular order, this now looks like there’s something by way of structure to it. Even if there’s really not.
  • Can’t think of any more observations that have a real point – but I have plenty of things to say if someone turns up for a coffee and is willing to listen. Living alone makes it hard to spill out those random things you think of, but have no one to say to.
conversations with myself

Give & Take

With some people, you give and give, and it never really shows. The return on investment, as it were, just isn’t there, and you end up feeling just a little abused.

With other people, though, you give a little, and you get it back and whole lot more in return, unasked for. Those people make it worth the effort, and you hope that the concept of karma works for them, because if it doesn’t work for them, then who else will it work for?

Oh, and Memoirs of a Geisha is a decent movie all up. 3½ stars or so, as these things go.

Yes this is another one of those reflective posts. I’m going to be doing them all week, so get used to it.

conversations with myself

Just occasionally…

… something on the net catches your eye; something someone out there has written. Someone you may know, or someone you may not. You stop, and you read it over again, just to check that your eyes didn’t just make it up. You return to it the next day to make sure it wasn’t just a day dream. You see a comment link, but even if you do put some text in that box, you don’t hit send, you don’t “post comment”. You want to savour it and cherish it and want to reach out to that person and say “I know what you are thinking; I know what you mean; it’s like you read my mind.” but you can’t put it in words sufficient to express the depth of that poignant emotion, and you sit back, and the day is changed, maybe even the week.

but you hope that somehow, somewhere out there, someone else knows how you feel, in a never ending chain of human emotion and metaphysical connections.

conversations with myself the daily column

Birthday/Birthday/Pool BBQ

It’s a funny thing sometimes – when something you want to happen doesn’t happen, you get disappointed. But then, serrendipitously, it happens without preamble, and you have two paths to choose. You can choose to enjoy it, to revel in the fact that it’s finally happening, or you can choose to turn the bitter side up and regret that it didn’t happen when you wanted it to happen before.

Ever since we moved into this house, I’ve thought of “Come summer, I’ll have friends over and we’ll have a BBQ and jump in the pool and chit chat and just enjoy,” but never once did it happen until today. Despite all my efforts in three and a half years, I couldn’t get the motivation rolling among my friends, many and varied. And only now, a week and a half out from my leaving this house, I get what I wanted, however petty or strange it may sound.

In my darker moments, I would turn to the bitter path, regretting and resenting those who disappointed me before – in a way, I might say I realise who my friends really were, that those I once called friends at the end of school by and large proved to be different, that I was forcing myself into a social circle that showed itself to be not my natural level. In my darker moments, I contemplate these things overmuch.

But today (and last night, which was a similar wish of mine), and thus probably in perpetuity, it was a good day. And on good days, you smile and you laugh and you enjoy the company of those around you, and you remember it as a good day, or a good night if that be the case, and you are thankful for the fact that what you wanted came about, however roundabout the impetuous, and you leave it at that. Because it was a good day.

Thank you.

conversations with myself

let go

Step back. Don’t think so hard. Don’t try to hold on it when it’s going away. The horizon is tbe constant, but you need to keep moving towards it. Move forward, ever further, leaving your past behind like so many of yesterday’s memories and the embers of days past. let go of expectations. let go of demands. let go of frustrations. let go of pretense. be what you can be, and no more. let go of everything that is holding you back, and just jump.

let go without checking to see if anyone is going to catch you.